I was never good with cypher

I never understood how paper could defeat rock.
You can't budge stone when you're the open book.
A faulty line of communication.
The problem found at the source.
No one connected your wires...or someone came and tore them out.
I don't feel like I'm asking too much when I want to know where I stand, but I suppose if I'd just take a look I'd see I'm being swallowed up by sand.
I reached my hand out and you just stood there shaking your head.
I reached my hand out.
I reached my hand.
I reached.
I reached.
I reached and all I could grab was fucking air.
I should be used to this failure.
Trying too hard for something that was never even there.
I thought I saw something breaking in your mortar.
I could have sworn light was coming through.
Now I'm falling into that old river because you don't want anything to prove.
I reached my hand out and you just stood there.
I guess you thought I'd drag you down.
You could have waited for me to swim but you'd rather stay protected and watch me drown.
I reached my hand out and you just stood there.
I reached out my hand.
I reached my hand out and you just stood there.
I had no idea that I'd already planted my feet on solid land.

Well that was fucking pointless

If I had ever gone to college I would have become a doctor so I could cut myself open to examine the workings of my bleeding guts. I'd lay them out, one by one, and finally see everything that makes me feel so fucked up. As I bled to death I'd wonder if it was one girl or some other that turned me into the bloody mess that I've become. Everyone's had a broken heart, but I never calculated that, somehow, my small intestine would have become caught up in such things. My stomach, spleen, gallbladder, and liver all scream the name of someone who's made them so damaged that I can't even look some people in the face without feeling them all lurch forward and try the escape my skin. Its pathetic, I guess. Some people have the ability to not care. This has become painfully obvious to me lately now that I spend my nights either alone or awkwardly staring at a wall because, out of the two people sitting there, I'm the only one speaking. I wish I could break myself that badly. Maybe I'd be better off spending all that college money on a trade school so I know how to build walls as strong as yours.

1/2/09

Another late night drive keeping bloodshot eyes out for the Dallas skyline. I love this city, but I hate its heart. I love this feeling, but I loathe what makes it start. So many endings have come and gone now. I wasted all my words. Grandiose thought patters spread thin like the lips of stupid girls. I'll be 25 in 2009. Another era in wasted time.