I can't deal with death

When people die I barely feel anything. At most I miss them about as much as a friend gone on vacation. I’ve always been like this. I cried at my uncle’s funeral, yeah, but I was 10 and people kept making me look at a dead body. I’m afraid of dead things, what do you expect? (Not afraid like its icky, but I always have a feeling that its not completely dead but instead its waiting for me to touch it so it can spring into an attack) Besides, everyone else was crying so what do you want from me? I needed to feel and look normal. Am I sad now? No. Do I miss him now? No. Do I remember him? Yes, we were semi-close. He gave me my first taste of beer and ate dog biscuits any time I came over in an effort to convince me he ate them as snacks. For the record he may have eaten them regularly, I chose to believe this isn’t the case though so I can still maintain respect for the man. Quite a few years later my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. She battled it for 6 years. In 2001 she came to stay with my mom and I because my cousin couldn’t take care of her on his own and still work enough to make the house/utilities payments (I was told this but I’m still not sure exactly why). I took her to chemo my entire senior year and even used it once or twice as an excuse to get out of work (I’m not proud but, hell, other people view someone dying as top priority so why not use that to my advantage?). She was great and actually into a lot of the super nerdy stuff I am (LoTR, Star Wars, …etc.) I moved to MO in 2002 and she died a month before I came back. I never got to say goodbye and this still bothers me sometimes but not because she’s dead, just because I’ll never see her again. People ask if I’ve ever had someone close to me die and I answer yes and use the aforementioned aunt as an example. We were close but not Mother/Son close. I try to imagine my mom dying and I feel nothing. I have friends who have panic attacks at the though of such things. A lot of people are like that. Not me. Granted, I would miss her. I would be sad. Not because she’s dead but because she’s gone. Sad because of all the things I never got to say (most because I didn’t even realize I’d forgotten to say it) and sad because I won’t get to see her anymore. Not sad because she’s dead, if that makes any sense. All of this came from a friend of a friend losing someone today and asking my advice on what to tell them. I realized I’m useless in this scenario. I can offer any sort of relationship or life advice, but comforting a mourner just isn’t in my repertoire. Same goes for the act of dying. I’m not afraid of that either. In some sort of messed-up way I actually embrace it. Not saying I want it to happen, I’m just saying if it did I wouldn’t mind. There have been a few times in the last four or five years that I definitely should have died and I just didn’t by some crazy luck. Trains, tornadoes and giant boxes in the highway...I’ve faced them all and the only emotion I had was me stressing not having a car. That’s it. Yes, I worry that some day all of the emotion I don’t feel will come back and kick me in the face, but I really do doubt it will happen. Of course I always say I’m not sad when people die and there is a little asterisk on this statement every time I say it. There is ONE person I’ve mourned for and I probably will forever, but that’s an entirely different story that means more to me than the attention it gets and one that deserves better than being sprawled out for everyone’s eyes on the internet. I guess what I’m saying is that, yes, I love my family and friends but if any of you come to me for a shoulder in your time of mourning, I’m sorry about the dick and fart jokes that will likely ensue.